


5 Things Forty Quinn Said About Quarantine

by sierra_roe



Category: You (TV 2018)
Genre: 5 Things, COVID-19, Coronavirus, Forty being Forty, Gen, Humor, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Just dialogue, Quarantine, Tiger king, TikTok, quarantine horny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:22:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23753029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sierra_roe/pseuds/sierra_roe
Summary: POV: You’re Forty’s friend and this is what he said to you on FaceTime.
Kudos: 7





	5 Things Forty Quinn Said About Quarantine

Man, fuck this quarantine, dude. You know how quarantine-horny I am? If Joe Exotic asked me to fuck him, I’d totally fuck him. I’m like totally his type anyway. I’d get to find out if he really has a Prince Albert you can fit a padlock through.

No but seriously dude, like all I’ve been doing is watching TikTok. You think I’m gonna get all productive and write a screenplay in the middle of a pandemic or something? FUCK THAT. Anyway it’s like maybe a little too much TikTok, like the other day I had a sex dream about the Washington Post guy. Yeah, I know, right. I mean it could be worse, it could have been a sex dream about someone who turned out to be like 16 or something. Gross.

You know, those people who are all like “oh, I’m gonna finish writing my novel, oh, I’m gonna learn how to bake bread, oh, I’m gonna read the entire canon of Western literature,” those people really piss me off. Like who the fuck has the energy and focus to be productive in quarantine? Like, okay, we’ve all tried to listen to the audiobook of Ulysses at some point dude. And you know what? The only thing Ulysses is good for is being a cure for insomnia. Oh shit, Joe heard me say that. Just pretend you didn’t hear that, Sport! 

Okay, so you know how crazy I’m getting cooped up in here with Joe? The other day I tried to get him to roleplay doing coke in a club bathroom with me. Yeah, like I’m just super nostalgic for being able to go to out and party. And let me tell you, I had the perfect setup – the music, the lights… I even ordered baby laxative on Amazon for this scene! What’s that? Oh, you don’t know about that whole thing? Well, in movies when there’s a scene where the actors are doing blow, they’ll just sub in some lines of baby laxative, because that’s what coke is cut with IRL. I know, it seems totally weird, right? Okay anyway so picture this, I’ve got my baggie full of baby laxative, and I’m in the bathroom with the music turned up in the other room, and I try to get Joe to come in there and do some fake coke with me, and you know what happens? That pussy won’t even do a bump! Yeah, I tried to tell him it was totally safe, but you know Joe. 

Hey, you know what I was thinking about the other day? Okay so there are all these people who are so quarantine-horny and can’t do anything about it. If you think about it, this quarantine is like some kind of massive large scale experiment in denial. Or wait, no, it’s not that, it’s that we are literally all being cucked by the coronavirus. Okay and get this, it’s because the coronavirus is out there literally fucking all of humanity and making us watch as it does it! Pretty good, right? You like that? Do you think I can use it in some dialogue?

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't think I'd write a quarantine fic, but I also didn't think we'd all be stuck in our home for months and months, so here we are. If you want a podcast to listen to, the part about baby laxatives as a coke substitute came from here: https://gimletmedia.com/shows/every-little-thing/wbhjjo8
> 
> As I was writing this thing, in my head it kind of turned into a script for a POV video on TikTok. So for the record (and not that I expect anyone to take me up on this) anyone is free to use any of this dialogue for a Forty Quinn impression on TikTok as long as you put a link in the comments.


End file.
